Yesterday (and don't worry this isn't just going to be full of Beatles quotes) I really struggled in a work meeting. I went into my shell. I could feel myself doing it and I hated it, but it happens sometimes and it's a symptom of living with depression. The MIND website days that with depression you might feel:
Yesterday I flipped from being in quite a good place to within minutes feeling down, completely worthless, an empty shell of myself with no self confidence about the things I believe in that I was talking about. I felt like someone had turned on a tap and drained out all my value, all my confidence. It's a horrible feeling to be empty like that. Fortunately I found some people to talk to after the meeting to help top up my value tank a little and make me feel like I am doing something worthwhile, that my views and experience are worth listening to. I'd like to understand why I flip like this. Why when I get some negative feedback or criticism that it affects me so much. I think it might be because I am a people pleaser and I want to be perfect, so anything that someone else doesn't like feels like a personal attack on who I am and on my core values. It's bloody horrible. At the end of the meeting we were each asked to give a single word to describe how we found the meeting. I was last. I declined to give an answer. If I had it would have been easy to choose. Some people say its ok to fail.
But I don't want to if it makes me feel like this. I'm my own worst enemy, but that's who I am. Take Care Paul
1 Comment
I'm trying not to feel lonely
I'm trying hard not to feel sad but sometimes I feel so alone sometimes I feel like Jen without Brad I'm working on not feeling down I'm working hard on not feeling low but sometimes I'm feeling the depths sometimes I'm feeling I have nowhere to go I'm imagining a brighter future I'm dreaming of better days but sometimes my imagination fails me sometimes my dreams fade away I'm crippled by the voice inside me I'm paralysed by what he says but sometimes he can't reach me sometimes he doesn't get his way I'm wondering how it feels to be happy I'm wishing the daylight away but sometimes the sunlight embraces me sometimes the clouds aren't so grey I'm hoping I'm laughing on the inside I'm hoping my heart has not turned black but sometimes I think it's broken sometimes I fear there's no turning back My mask is starting to show some cracks. The cracks are letting out some of who i actually am. I'm not pretending or acting so much anymore. Well not all the time like usual anyway. I've started having a bit more fun at work. This is a good thing because I find that the fun can be hard to find these days. The problem I am now facing is that following previous feedback about what the authentic me is like and the effect i can have on people I am becoming increasingly anxious that someone will get upset, offended or dislike someone I say or do. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not doing anything bad here, i'm just having fun, but the work world today feels like it can be hard to have fun and be your authentic self as there is always someone who may not like that you. Fun is good for your health. It helps you connect, let off steam, laughter is good for you, you enjoy work and motivation levels stay higher. So why is it so hard to have fun now? I think the answer is fear. Fear that your fun will upset someone else. The opposite is true too, and something I have been accused of. Being 'grumpy' and not having fun can upset people as well. So it's a fine line and you can be walking a tightrope. I especially seem to have highs and lows of mood, i am more often really down, but if I'm up it can be a big up. So I'll probably be upsetting someone however I am. Being my authentic self is therefore very difficult and can take an awful lot of energy to maintain some sort of middle ground where I am noticed less. The trouble is I don't do my best work in this place, I'm better at the extremes. I either want to be in the centre of the conversation or not involved in it at all. Playing a bit part is hard. The Oscar for best supporting actor won't be coming my way. Hot desking doesn't help my authentic self. Neither does working remotely from the rest of my team. When you sit with the same people you get to know them, you know their good and bad, their highs and lows. Working remotely and at hot desks means that is hard. You're sat next to strangers, how authentic can you be? So how much should I let the mask continue to crack?
How much should I be me? And if someone doesn't like the authentic me is that ok? Does that mean I've actually done something wrong or that I'm a bad person. Or does it just mean that people are all different and some people just don't connect. It plays on my mind a lot this. Because of things that have happened over the last year I feel like an empty shell a lot of the time at work, or perhaps hiding in my shell. Scared to come out for fear of upsetting someone. But the essence of the authentic me is to step forward, to volunteer, to push for change, to raise my head above the parapet. And if I'm scared to do that then you're not getting the best of me, and that's not good for me, or you. Believe in yourself, unless it upsets anyone else, because in my experience you then get judged and labelled as a problem. So it's better to keep quiet, and stay in your shell, and fix your mask. It's not supposed to be fun. Take Care Paul |
AuthorMr Paul Wyse Archives
January 2021
|